Tough Question

I recently came across a discussion posted on Dress a day, one that I thought you'd all be interested in reading.  It's about wedding attire, specifically, what you should not wear to a wedding.  As you all know, I wrote a few days ago about Susan Spungen's wedding at Blue Hill at Stone Farm; this response references that wedding, so here it is:

I feel like this battle will never be won by anyone.  Just last weekend I attended my friend Susan's wedding, which was held during the day, outside, at a restaurant in Tarrytown, New York.  I had planned to wear a very cute, ivory-colored dress that hit at the knee and had very little embellishment, until Deb Puchalla, editor of Everyday Food (our sister publication), told me that it is unacceptable to wear white to someone else's wedding.  I decided to poll the office; overwhelmingly, everyone seemed to share Deb's sentiment.  But I still wasn't satisfied.

I checked several etiquette books and found that the answer varies depending on whom you ask.  Emily Post (17th edition) says white and black are fine to wear, but the fabric and cut of a white dress shouldn't be bridal at all.  In the end, I think that any color goes.  With weddings today, some rules can be seen as inspiration, allowing you to personalize and go with what you think feels right-whether you're the bride, groom, or guest.  But remember there are many people who still frown upon wearing black or white, even red, though there's been no mention of red in the etiquette books I've looked in.  They may give you looks, and you may become the talk of the town, but if you can handle the scrutiny, then go for it.

As for me, I wore the ivory dress I had planned to wear.  I knew Susan was going to wear a long, ivory gown and veil, so I wasn't afraid I'd be confused for her; then again, I did joke with my husband that I might be bombarded by angry bloggers once I posted the photo of me in ivory.  If people were talking about me, I don't know, but I had a great time, and I know Susan wasn't offended.  And isn't that what really matters, anyway?

Here I am with Susan (center).

Comments

[Kate]

I don't think that wearing white is appropriate unless you are the bride. It takes away from the bride, as seen in this picture.

[Angela]

I think I have to go with Kate (the post above) on this one. I couldn't tell from the photo who was the bride and who was the guest.

[Greer]

This is such a sticky issue! I recently went to a wedding where I had my perfect dress picked out- a really cute strapless ivory BCBG dress with black embroidery- but the night before my flight I just couldn't do it and packed a cobalt blue dress instead. I think it shouldn't be about whether you (the guest) can handle the scrutiny or talk behind your back because the point is that it is not really about your personal comfort level or confidence. In everyday situations, I don't care if people talk about my outfit or give me looks, but for someone else's wedding, I just didn't want to be "that girl" that someone's grandmother or aunt was talking about. And it isn't just about that one day or night either- in the couples' pictures for the rest of their lives, I didn't want to be the one that caused people to say "Who wore white at your wedding?!?" I just wanted to be a guest at the wedding, and look nice in the absence of controversy and gossip. If I am really honest with myself, I probably would have been bothered if someone had worn white to my wedding. So I always try to go by that rule of thumb, rather than "the rules" in etiquette books.

[marisa]

i agree, it's not about "you, the guest" and whether you can handle the scrutiny. it's about the bride and giving her a day to stand out. honestly, it's not clear in the pic who the bride is...

[LH]

I agree too. Only brides should wear white. I am surprised that you wore white considering your line of work!

[Tia]

Me too. There are a million other colors out there to wear to a wedding.

[Jenn]

I agree with the above posters...I'm just not comfortable with the idea of wearing a shade of white to weddings.

Also, I probably wouldn't have known that that was a picture from a wedding if you hadn't specifically said so. Usually I think that there is just one person in white at such an event.

[Kim Petyt]

My sister-in-law wore a white dress to our wedding, and during the wedding itself it didn't bother me at all. In fact, it wasn't even until we got the photos back from the photographer that I saw what she had been wearing- and it really bothered me. Its been almost 8 years now, and I love my SIL very much, but I still feel a little "touchy" whenever I see our group wedding photos. I think part of it may be that your wedding day is one of the only days that you get to be the center of attention, and you stand out in a crowded room in your white dress. If there's another person there in a white dress, it kind of "steals your thunder"... Like another post said- there are hundreds of other colors that one could wear to a wedding, I say leave white (including cream, ivory, eggshell, or even pale beige!) for the bride.

[Lynn]

For the most part I feel that the red and black rule mainly applies to people who expect to be photographed with the bridal party, however, the white applies to everyone, and should include every variation of white. My mother-in-law wore ivory to mine. Like someone above had also said, I hardly noticed that day, but it is all you see in the pictures. It photographed white. She has caught a lot of flack about it over the years.

[BaghdadBride]

I see this two ways 1) I personally don't care what anyone wears to my wedding...including white b/c I know I look bridal and they won't. I especially don't care if they wear a white dress that has some other color on it cause that's even less bridal. I also think any bride that lets this get to her is a little bridezillaish. BUT 2) I'd never wear white to someone's wedding b/c they just might be offended by it or some member of their family upset by it. I wouldn't want to risk upsetting the bride on her day especially when there are a MILLION other colors to chose from. Just not worth the risk for me to do personally.

[Mar]

I also agree with all the previous posts.....for a wedding, white is reserved for the bride only. =)

[Ruth]

I think not wearing white (or shades of it) is just being more considerate to the bride.

[Kat]

I'll bite and disagree with the above comments - to a point.
I won't be wearing white at my wedding so anyone else is more than welcome to, I imagine other women choosing coloured dresses would feel the same way.
But... I kind of wish there was a way to stop people wearing the colour I -am- wearing :)

[Joy]

Thank-you for dispelling this - I think you can wear any color to a wedding nowadays. I wore black to my brother's last October. Some people thought it was morose! I thought nothing wrong of it...

[Tameika]

It's not about being "confused" with the bride - obviously we will know who the bride is and who the guests are. It's about respect and common courtesy. Guests are a part of the wedding and celebration to support and uplift the bride and groom. I am sorry, Darcy, but your actions were self-serving and off putting. Although your friend did not mind, it was still rude. You should never wear anything that will draw attention to yourself. I have always lived by one rule - when in doubt, don't. The fact that you had to consult etiquette books reveals your doubt. You should not have worn the ivory. Black, red, blue are all fine colors, but when it comes to white or ivory or whatever the color the bride is wearing, you should steer clear.

[Ali]

I think it's great that you posses the confidence to wear that dress to a wedding, however if I was the bride, I would definitely be offended and annoyed. While it's probable that no one would say anything to you, I think it's tacky and selfish.

[Kelly]

Sorry, I'd have to agree with everyone: you put your wants above the bride's. I'd be bummed if that was my wedding photo. Also, the fact that you polled your office showed that you knew you might offend someone by wearing it, but decided not to care.

[Misse]

If you wore ivory to my wedding, I probably would never speak to you again.

[rachel]

This boils down to a matter of respect - there is a reason that, as a guest, is it traditional to avoid white - it is disrespectful.

[theshan]

how do you "know" the bride wasn't offended, as you wrote? cuz asking her, "you don't mind, do you, now that i'm already in the dress" gives her only one option for an answer. and she obviously has more manners than you do.

[Angela]

why not wear another color, just to be safe? it's not that big a deal to find a pink or blue dress.

[velvetjones]

I find it wildly inappropriate that you would wear white to a wedding, especially after you were well advised not to. Wearing white to a wedding is essentially giving the finger to the bride and the wedding.

[moosehead]

wow - some "wedding expert" you are. your choice of attire was completely inappropriate and disrespectful to the bride. were you *trying* to be a jerk?

[ThomasIrvin]

Miss Manners once answered this question quite succinctly. She was asked if it was acceptable for the mother of the bride to wear white, if she is a virgin. Her answer was pithy: It is not acceptable for the mother of the bride to wear white, whether she is a virgin or not.

The same can be said of you. Shame!

[ThomasIrvin]

And how kind of the bride to feign not having a problem with you wearing white. She must be a very kind friend to get past the indignation.