Tough Question

I recently came across a discussion posted on Dress a day, one that I thought you'd all be interested in reading.  It's about wedding attire, specifically, what you should not wear to a wedding.  As you all know, I wrote a few days ago about Susan Spungen's wedding at Blue Hill at Stone Farm; this response references that wedding, so here it is:

I feel like this battle will never be won by anyone.  Just last weekend I attended my friend Susan's wedding, which was held during the day, outside, at a restaurant in Tarrytown, New York.  I had planned to wear a very cute, ivory-colored dress that hit at the knee and had very little embellishment, until Deb Puchalla, editor of Everyday Food (our sister publication), told me that it is unacceptable to wear white to someone else's wedding.  I decided to poll the office; overwhelmingly, everyone seemed to share Deb's sentiment.  But I still wasn't satisfied.

I checked several etiquette books and found that the answer varies depending on whom you ask.  Emily Post (17th edition) says white and black are fine to wear, but the fabric and cut of a white dress shouldn't be bridal at all.  In the end, I think that any color goes.  With weddings today, some rules can be seen as inspiration, allowing you to personalize and go with what you think feels right-whether you're the bride, groom, or guest.  But remember there are many people who still frown upon wearing black or white, even red, though there's been no mention of red in the etiquette books I've looked in.  They may give you looks, and you may become the talk of the town, but if you can handle the scrutiny, then go for it.

As for me, I wore the ivory dress I had planned to wear.  I knew Susan was going to wear a long, ivory gown and veil, so I wasn't afraid I'd be confused for her; then again, I did joke with my husband that I might be bombarded by angry bloggers once I posted the photo of me in ivory.  If people were talking about me, I don't know, but I had a great time, and I know Susan wasn't offended.  And isn't that what really matters, anyway?

Here I am with Susan (center).

Comments

[sf]

shameless & selfish. you should be embarassed trying to make it about you and how you feel. I am SURE you own more than that ONE ivory dress.

[Xylo]

Anyone who arrives at a wedding in white, beige or cream, as a guest, should be taken firmly by the elbow and escorted OUT.

[LM]

The only time I might ever approve of wearing white to a wedding would be if it was in mid-summer, and if it was a sundress type garmet with a bright floral print, embroidery or trim. Even then you're pushing it and older folks (ie, grandparents,etc) will notice and comment. I'm all about expressing yourself, but a wedding is not a time to stand out, fashion wise.

[athena]

Why has no one mentioned how hideous the white dress you chose is?!

Not only was your choice inappropriate (for the reasons mentioned above), but it was FUGLY.

[Hater]

Boo you for wearing white.

[Betheny]

Tacky McTacktress. Someday I hope your friend tells you how YOUR insistence on a white dress made her feel on HER wedding day.

[Tanya]

I think there are better things to worry about in the world. Really, propriety/etiquette/manners etc are really a bunch of hoo-haa our 'elders' created to keep everyone in line. It's not really essential unless its gross (like chewing with your mouth open/spitting on a sidewalk) or definitively disrespectful (like insulting your mother in law). As a society, we've accepted wearing white past labour day. I get that there isn't a bride in this situation, but really, what's the difference? (a rhetorical question, that I will now answer...): A pissy bride.

Why is it that brides have to feel like they stand out from EVERYONE else on that day? As if it's not a special enough day. Most likely they spend thousands of dollars just to put the outfit/hair/makeup together, so they probably look better than the rest of the guests anyways. Grooms wear tuxes, just like his best man. There might be a different tie, or a different colored shirt, but he's fine with blending in. It boils down to prepping and preening that society tells us femmes to do. I like looking pretty like the rest of the population (not just female), but I don't have the inferiority complex as to decree that no one else can dress similarly to me. We need to start looking at weddings as what it is: a great celebration of love and committment - not a grand show for which the bride preen in the spotlight.

[Jeannette]

you're in the front of the picture. i rest my case.

[Me]

You are a dirtbag.

[Cynthia C]

Only the bride and perhaps the flowergirl can wear white. And if you're at a Hong Kong Chinese/Singapore Chinese/Chinese Canadian/Chinese American/etc wedding, you shouldn't wear white OR red. Modern Chinese brides, at least those brought up in the above-mentioned societies, wear at least two dresses-- white for the ceremony and part of the reception and then a red qi pao mid-way through the reception.

[Erin]

This doesn't seem like a tough question to me at all. You do not wear white to a wedding. Guests will talk and the bride may or may not harbor secret resentment, but why risk it? This season, there are so many white dresses out there that it may be hard finding one that is wedding-appropriate. That is no excuse--even a scarf or shawl over that white dress would have made it less tacky.

[TC]

You seem like the kind of person who didn't get enough attention when she was younger- shame on you for wearing white to someone else's wedding. Its rude, tacky and completely unacceptable!!!

You need a different job because you obviously suck at this one.

[EKB]

Why ask for everyines opinion when you are just going to ignore it anyway. You act like this was the only dress in the workld that fit you so you had no choice. It seems to me that you really didnt care what the bride or anyone else would think. you are selfish. If you had to question it, you shouldnt have worn it! Who gave you this job?

[gigi]

Of all the colors why did YOU have to wear cream? Very annoying!

[Brooke]

I'm not going to disown anyone who wears white to my wedding, but I still find it tacky and disrespectful, if not just completely ignorant to the rules of etiquette. Okay, some etiquette rules have become outdated, but of all the dresses in the world, why be so adament about wearing the ONE color you know the bride will be wearing? Personally, I would never wear white to a wedding, and I am always surprised by anyone who does. And, I have to admit, that I do remember anyone who has worn white to a wedding I have attended.

[Stephanie]

Before I read your actual blog, I saw the pic on another site and I didn't know who the bride was. The bride's dress (at least in this pic) wasn't formal enough to remove questions of who the bride was. Needless to say, I definitely think it's selfish and who cares if Emily Post didn't have it as a written rule--you work around a million "Post wannabe's" who all agreed that it was a bad move.

[sherry]

i think the toughest question here is what possessed you to wear that hideous dress, white or not?

[blondee47]

I wore a white suit with long skirt to a family member's wedding and it never crossed my mind that it was white and inappropriate until my aunt mentioned it to me. Of course then i felt terrible but it truly never crossed my mind?

i don't know which was worse, never xssing my mind or my aunt's sarcastic remark

[shyestviolet]

...does it matter in the end? wouldn't the bride and groom just be excited in the end that you were there to share their special day? what bride gets wacked out that other people are wearing white?! ...this is the most ridiculous conversation I've heard in a very, very long time.

[redhead]

Wow- you are incredibly selfish, rude and classless to have pulled a stunt like this.

[Lida]

The fact that you "polled the office" shows you knew it was wrong. The fact you consulted numerous etiquette books, yet only cite the one that backs you up, shows you knew it was wrong. The fact that you HAD TO POINT OUT WHO THE BRIDE IS IN THAT PICTURE shows that you know it is wrong. The fact that you knew it was wrong, and did it anyway shows that you are a passive-aggressive biatch in a fugly as hell dress.

[DCBaxter]

I find it interesting you that you pointed out the bride was "just to the left" of you. Had you not worn that dress, you wouldn't have had to make the distinction.

[EKB]

WTF is that ugly frock you are wearing. Why were you so bent on wearing that sheet anyway? You should have taken everyones advice and not worn it for your own sake!!! DAMN!

[Darcy Miller]

I knew as I said in the original post that people have strong and varied opinions on this, and your comments have really underscored that for me. Wow! Obviously, I will never choose my outfit for a wedding again without thinking of this "conversation" with all of you.

[Emily Jaquith]

I personally would never wear any shade of white or cream to a wedding no matter what Emily Post says I feel it is still inappropriate. I have worn black though which I feel is perfectly fine and normal nowadays.