Stationery Dos and Dont's

Dear Darcy,
I am getting married this summer and my fiancé and I are saving to buy our first house together. We would love monetary wedding gifts to add to our nest egg but worry that it may be rude to state this somewhere in the invitation. Should we say something like "we are not registered for gifts, but we really want a house someday?"
All the best,
Desperately Need Wedding Cash

I consulted our friends at Crane & Co. as they know a thing or two about stationery etiquette. Here's what they had to say.

Dear Desperately Need Wedding Cash,
I certainly understand and appreciate your intent to want to build a “nest egg” to purchase your first house, but keep in mind your wedding is a sacred event celebrating the joyous joining of two people and should not be treated as a financial fundraiser. Your invitation should remain pure in its intent and should never include gift or registry requests.

There are ways to discretely meet your objective while keeping your occasion one that will be cherished by family and friends. The best way to let people know is by word of mouth through family and friends. If this is not practical, your save-the-date card is the least offensive place to include the URL for your wedding website, which can inform guests of registry information or gift preferences. Your website is also a great place to tell your personal story about your aspirations of building a home together.
Good luck,
Crane & Co.

We often get questions about whether it is ok to ask for money as a wedding gift. Times have changed and many people don't want china as a gift anymore.

Do you think it is rude to request cash as a gift on your invitation? What about on the save-the-date card?

Floral stationery from Crane & Co.

Comments

[Nina]

I think it is extremely rude to ask for cash. It's being ungrateful before you're given anything. Do you want to be asked for cash? Anytime I want to give the "perfect" gift - wedding or otherwise - I ask. Let your guests do the asking.

[holly hatam]

As an invitation designer, I would never recommend asking for cash on your invitation or save the date card. I believe it is quite distasteful. If you do not want to register for gifts and would rather collect money for a honeymoon or house, I would suggest putting that somewhere on your bridal shower invitations, never your main wedding invitation.

[Chic and Charming]

I cannot imagine anything tackier than including a request for any gift in your wedding invitation (monetary or otherwise). Guests are under no obligation to buy you a present, you invite them to your wedding because you want them to witness your happy day, not because you want their gift. I think expectations for wedding gifts have gotten out of control, and many brides feel they are entitled to a wedding present and a shower present from each guest. Not true!

[Laura]

While I completely understand the desire for money, I think the only way to handle this is to mention it only when someone asks what you would like (or asks the mother of the bride/mother-in-law/shower host, etc).

To avoid gifts that are really unwanted that aren't returnable, I would do a registry of just "essentials" at a store you normally shop at--that way if things need to be returned they will take them back, and you will get merchandise credits/gift cards you can actually use. I know when I was younger I really hestitaed giving money for wedding gifts because I could never give what I felt was enough, however I could usually find a nice basic gift on sale (like a big glass bowl, a glass pitcher, a set of white towels, etc)

[Iver Jane]

I'm getting really sick of wedding invites that have the wedding website on them, with registry info. prominently displayed. That's putting it on your invitation, but adding an extra step. Not cool.

Registries information and cash preferences should be handled via word of mouth only (or maybe on a wedding website if you don't have the url printed on invitations).

[Sarah]

I would rather be directed to a web site with registry info or suggest gift ideas than have a little piece of paper fall out of every piece of mail I receive in regards to a person's wedding (save the date, shower invites, wedding invite) that lists where the couple is registered. My fiance have gone the word of mouth route and listed on our wedding web site, but its at the bottom of the web site like an afterthought.

[Lisa]

I think it's horribly rude to ask for money as a wedding gift. I also think it's rude to register for your honeymoon and other things like that. What's next, medical procedures? A gift is not required from the attendee/invitee of your wedding. It is their prerogative, and you should be gracious in accepting whatever you receive.

[ec]

It is REPULSIVE to ask for money. Your wedding should be a celebration of your new life with your spouse. You should invite people to the wedding because they are important to you and you want to celebrate with them. Please retain some sense of decency and decline to put any mention of money on your invitation. That is just plain rude and offensive to your guests. I personally would not give money to someone who mentioned it because it is so offensive. If it were a shower - I would not attend.

[Jenny-Rose]

I know that putting registry info on your invite is not considered the proper etiquette but honestly it's the first thing I look for and am annoyed when I can’t find it, have to ask the bride or dig through the website for it. Like someone mentioned here I hate having little cards and slips of paper falling out of the invite, especially shower invites. Much easier to lose. If you are out of town or don’t know the family it can be awkward to get the info too.

Registrations are suggestions for those interested in giving a gift – giving the info doesn’t necessarily se mean the couple is expecting a gift from every guest. I don't always by off the registry but I always want to look at it to get a feel for what the needs and taste of the couple are.

However I think asking for cash is a little tacky, that is best handled word-of mouth. A lot of people give cash anyway.

[Kristin]

I know, first hand, how stressful it is to save for a wedding.

Did you know that according to The Wedding Report, US couples spend between $14,366 and $43,098 for their wedding? You should check out The Pay Yourself First Consumer Challenge (http://www.pyfchallenge.com/). The timing is perfect for you, and you could earn extra cash and a free honeymoon!

All you have to do is create a one-minute video telling us about the wedding you’re saving for, and why you should be selected as one of the five challengers….. Upload your video by July 31 to win. Here are detailed instructions for brides to be:

http://www.pyfchallenge.com/details/index.html

[Tumblina]

I think asking for money is pretty tacky. I understand wanting money for a nest egg, or to put towards a home, but I don't believe that the onus should be put on guests to provide the nest egg. The friends I've had who asked for money or registered for their honeymoon and nothing else have all later complained that nobody gave them anything. (I know one couple who blamed the fact that they couldn't afford a honeymoon on their guests!)

[catherine]

While I understand the desire to get money instead of a bunch of "stuff," I agree with others that it's considered inappropriate to ask for cash. I do know a lot of people who have registered at places like Bed Bath & Beyond where you're allowed to return gifts for cash. That might be the most practical way to work around the issue.

[Juliana]

Ok, here we go. I have remained silent on this topic for awhile now. I wanted to make sure a really thought this topic through thoroughly. So here are my thoughts on monetary gift requests.
As the editor of www.myecochicwedding.com I am always researching and pondering the most eco-friendly wedding planning options. Well I think monetary gifts are a perfectly green gift (no pun intended). Let's face it, brides and grooms are marrying later in life and many of them have lived on their own or with each other for many years. By the time they are ready to get married they have already acquired all the necessary household items they could possibly need and have developed their own decorating style. The last thing they want is MORE STUFF. Who really needs 2 George Foreman grills, 3 Magic Bullets and a closet full of mismatched towels & linens (yes, this happened to a recently married friend who requested "NO gifts please, just your presence would make us happy".)
We are living in a day and age where we are trying to reduce how much we consume and how much ends up in landfills. So is it not perfectly green to gratefully decline material gifts we’ll probably never use?
I can still remember a time when this exact debate was taking place; however, the debate was whether or not it was appropriate to have a gift registry. Back then everyone was appalled at the fact that brides & grooms were telling their guests exactly what they wanted. Today it's perfectly acceptable.
I think it's time we all start changing the way we think. I for one would rather give a young couple a good start at life together than another set of tupperware. If I can help contribute to getting them into their first home or help them reduce their debt (#1 cause for divorce), well I think that would be a wonderful and socially responsible gift. There are many cultures that have long put an emphasis on helping young couples get a good start to life. It's time our culture embraced that too.
I believe it is perfectly acceptable for a couple to gratefully decline gifts and request that guests who still feel inclined to give a gift make a donation to the couple’s charity of choice or monetary gifts would be greatly appreciated.

Don’t just assume monetary gift requests stem from greed.

[susan]

sorry, juliana. i do see your point but i can't say i agree.

while it is true that other cultures do see wedding gifts as a way to help the young couple get a solid start in life, these cultures do not normal throw weddings that cost tens (hundreds?) of thousands of dollars. if the couple in question really wants a home and asks for money, i my book they better have a Very Modest Wedding. it's a matter of priority. if you can't afford the extravagant wedding AND a home, choose.

i attended a wedding last summer and was asked to give money as a gift together with a sob story of how broke these two grad students were and didn't have a farthing to start their new life. i wasn't thrilled about giving money (about as impersonal as you can get). the wedding itself was beyond extravangant and the couple has spent christmas holiday and spring break in asia, europe and nz since the wedding - places i would love to visit but can ill afford. i feel like a chump.

if the couple doesn't wish to get gifts - perhaps they are older and don't need anything - they should say so, as has been mentioned. if people still wish to give a gift, they are doing so because they want to and those gifts should be accepted graciously (even if they are subsequently returned).

bottom line: it's not about the gift! the cliché holds - it's the thought that counts.

[Robin]

Susan, I understand your point but do not be so quick to judge other people's weddings. They might have done a fabulous job with discounts and negotiations. Their parents might have paid 100% as their gift to the couple. Do not be hasty in drawing judgements on other people's finances. You never know what is going on behind closed doors.

I agree that no one should ever ASK for money but, being an event planner, I see the sensibility in giving cash over china. I think in the end it is truly up to your personal preference on what you want to give but if you are stuck between an item and cash, I would suggest cash.