Do I Have to Buy a Gift off the Registry?

Posted by Alexis Givens

Hello everyone,
So sorry I've been MIA...it was a busy weekend of figuring out my engagement ring (yes, I guess I'm not officially engaged as we are designing my engagement ring together by using elements of my granmother's ring...I'll explain more later). With ring pondering, packing for the new house and the Summer issue of Weddings coming out soon, I've been swamped.

One of our new online summer interns, Sarah Aldrich, was chatting with me about a gift for an upcoming wedding and wondering what is appropriate.

Here's Sarah's dilemma:

I have a friend who is having a mountaintop wedding in Colorado, and I thought it would be cool to get her something with a woodsy, rustic feel for a gift. 

Here is one option that could work as a vase or as a simple decoration from Michael Aram:

This rustic wood vase from Etsy user vianativa is less formal and could be used as a centerpiece:

Another great piece that's a bit more affordable is Anthropologie's tree ring frame:

The only problem is, my friend hasn't registered for these gifts.

In fact, she hasn't registered for any decorative pieces at all.  She is moving into a new home with her husband-to-be shortly after the wedding. I've seen both of their apartments, and they could definitely use some nice things like this.  What do you think about buying gifts that aren't on the registry?  Should I go for it?

Comments

[TJ]

I definitely would not buy something that is not on the registry when a friend has taken the time to register. Sarah's making a pretty big judgment here, that 1) her friend's apartment is lacking decoration and 2) she should remedy this decorating failure by providing her with what she would enjoy as a decorative piece. Even if meant with the best of intentions, it's possible her friend just has different taste and doesn't think she needs such decoration, or wants to build up her stock of more practical things before turning an eye to decoration. Ignoring the registry in favor of what she thinks her friend needs is, while intended with the most generous spirit, a bit presumptuous.

[Heidi - Botanical PaperWorks]

If the bride were a very close friend or close relative, I would take a chance and get one of the cool items listed above. My thinking is that if the bride loves me enough, she'll appreciate the thought that I put into the gift and overlook the fact that I didn't follow the registry.

But if the bride isn't someone with whom I am very close, I would stick to the registry. I wouldn't want to be The One who saddles the couple with something they don't want, don't like and didn't ask for.

[Kathryn]

I think of the gift registry as a guide - it's not a must. If you can think of something you know your friend would love that isn't on her registry, go for it - especially if you can include a gift receipt with it just in case she'd rather have something else. And I have to disagree with TJ - I think for a bride and groom to expect to receive the gifts on their registry is even more presumptuous. A gift is a gift!

[Erica]

If this is a special, close friend I would say go 'off-registry'! When my best friend got married she was moving straight from her parents home to live with her husband and had never lived by herself. I knew she would need some great things to entertain with and I bought her a serving tray that she uses all the time.

[AA]

One of my favorite gifts that I received for my wedding was "off registry". My friend made a special gift for us -- it was personal and beautifully done. It was a treat to receive such a thoughtful gift. But as Erica says -- she was a close friend and knew what we would love.

[Stefanie]

Buying gifts exclusively from the registry list is not always easy or affordable if you don't get an early start! I say that your friend should appreciate whatever gift you pick out especially since you went out of your way to find something nice. You could say it's presumptuous, but you could also say it's creative!

[Sarah Aldrich]

Thanks everyone for the feedback!

This is a close friend who has been living in an apartment with roommates for a while. She shares a lot of her things with them and hasn't decorated much because she has thought of it as a "temporary living situation"--her words, not mine. I have a pretty good sense of her taste and really think she would enjoy the above gifts.

When deciding on what to include in her registry, she mentioned to me that she felt she should only ask for the essentials. She didn’t like the idea of requesting things people may see as “unnecessary”.

Still, the very last thing I want to do is be presumptuous or be what Heidi referred to as “The One”! I guess I am still at a loss! Any more ideas? Does this further clarification change things at all?

[Alexis from the Bride's Guide]

Sarah,
I think that only you know your relationship with your friend and how she would feel about your gift. Go with your gut and throw all caution to the wind. In the end, it is the thought that counts right?

[ShopLittleGifts]

Well... I probably would buy both: one thing from the registry and something else that I think they would need but didn't get to register. Most of my friends that register try to just select practical things mainly because they don't want to appear over the top and excessive. Plus after the wedding when you see them again, you can always tell them why you bought something else/different, i think they will feel very touched that you thought about the gift.

[Nikkita]

I had a shower just last weekend. My fiance and I registered for things we needed, but not a whole lot. As a result, I recieved a lot of off registry gifts. While some were not my taste, I was often surprised and delighted by people's thought and creativity. A registry is beneficial to both parties, but I think it'd be presumptuous for a couple to refuse off registry gifts.

[Cate Brewe]

I rarely buy off the registry. I think deeply and carefully about the person I know and pick something meaningful to their and my relationship. It is a GIFT. It is presumptious to instruct me or any guest on what to give, or to even imply that I should give anything. What is given is given out of love and affection and should be received gracefully. Any one old enough to marry should understand about putting less desireable gifts in cupboards, bringing them out at the appropriate time for a year or two and then donating them to the Goodwill (and not regifting). Weddings aren't for making money or stocking the house. The gifts are just a token of love and good wishes (and by the way my last niece that married told me that my gift was the best and most exciting thing she unwrapped - surprise is fun). Go off the registry - celebrate the relationship you have with your friend or relative.

[Iver Jane]

Based on the relationship and conversation you described, I would feel safe going off registry.

All three things you have chosen are gorgeous; I'd love any one of them, although I'd probably get the most use out of the frame.

She's lucky to have such a thoughtful friend!

[Iver Jane]

By the way, I normally say that "going off registry" = super-annoying. But in this case, it sounds appropriate.

[Nina]

This last birthday I considered registering for gifts so that people knew exactly what I wanted... Come on :) that would be ridiculous! as are my feelings about only buying gifts that a bride asked for. It's a gift! If you don't know what to get your cousin's uncle's long lost half step sister, a registry can give you a pretty good start :)

[mich]

If you want to see some unique gift ideas...I sent my Best Girl Friend a Starologie tee with her date...she cried for ten minutes!!! Sometimes crying is a good thing. The most personal gift one could image.

[laura]

A guest has a right to buy the couple whatever he/she likes as a gift (and a right not to give a gift). If you don't know the couple well (e.g., co-workers or the groom is a friend of your husband's/boyfriend's) then a non-registry non-cash gift may not be ideal, but if you know the couple and their taste (or have at least been to their home), then I think it's fine to go off the registry. For my closest friends I have gotten them artwork that means something to them (e.g., a B&W photograph of a favorite beach, a print by an artist who is an alum of our college). I've also purchased hammocks and windchimes for outdoorsy friends. And for one friend who was living abroad and had complained about the sheets in Chile, I gave a gift certificate to LLBean to buy some flannel sheets.
I recived a number of gifts not from my registry that I really like, and only received one wedding gift I really didn't like. It wasn't at all my (or my husband's) taste and was from his cousin he hadn't seen in years. We ended up returning it to Macy's (I happened to see that they sold it there) and we bought the ice cream maker attachment for our mixer instead (which we thoroughly enjoy).

[Sarah Aldrich]

Thanks everyone for the tips! Based on your advice, I feel comfortable going off registry for this wedding gift...now I can't wait to see what my friend thinks about her present!

[Jen]

Buy the gift you've chosen! I'm getting married and consider the registry is for people who aren't sure what the couple would like.

I like the idea of getting personal gifts chosen by my family and friends, reflecting their tastes and our relationship. The fun of getting gifts is the surprise and every time they put flowers in your vase/vases they will be reminded of you, in a good way!

Especially so since she only put useful items on the registry, give her something beautiful to celebrate her wedding! The gifts you've selected are lovely

[Gulf Shores beach weddings]

There were many great answers here. Homemade gifts are also great especially if it's something the couple likes that only you can do.

[JB]

When my really good friends get married, I make a point of buying something from the registry that I know they were really excited about when they registered for it. Then, I buy an additional gift that is a little more personal. This is for my best friends. Anyone else is strictly registry gifts.

[a porter]

this is really a question, not comment...what is an appropriate gift to bring to a reception for two well-established people who have both been married before? not only do they already have all the typical wedding registry gifts, they are both rather well-off and are, i'm sure not "in need" of anything. thank you for your help.

[Destin Beach Wedding]

Homemade gifts are perfect, its the thought that counts

[twitter.com/Destinflwedding]

What a great thing to do design a ring around a grandmother. I am sure she would be proud. Have you thought of a