Dum, Dum, Dum—The Dress!

Posted by Grace Bonney of Design*Sponge

When I wrote that pretty lame title above I meant it to sound terrifying. The Dress! Like a bad horror movie where someone runs out of a shop covered in red corn syrup screaming. Because that’s what dress shopping was like for me.

For most brides, the dress is the first thing they start with (as I was informed by many a bridal consultant). I, however, waited a little longer, so nearly every store I went to was shocked that I didn’t know what type of dress I wanted, and that I had planned other things before the dress. The fact that anyone would not plan their wedding theme around their dress seemed to be pure lunacy to most shops. Thankfully I ended up finding a shop that didn’t feel that way. But let’s just say I spent six months looking for a dress and ended up buying my own dress—alone—at a small shop because I learned that big shops, big dresses, and big groups of people, while perfectly fine for most brides, just aren’t for me.

So how did it all go down? When I first got engaged I happily tore through wedding magazines imagining myself in any number of long, wispy gowns covered in lace or with dramatic sculptural details. So when I booked my first wedding dress appointment (10 months before the wedding) I was excited to try anything and everything on.

Unfortunately the respected bridal warehouse where I went—let’s just call it “Purgatory” for now—was shocked that a) I didn’t know exactly “what type of bride I wanted to be” and b) I didn't want to spend the majority of my budget on my dress.

 

Two Oscar De La Renta dresses, from Spring and Fall 2008 collections, respectively. Image on left, by Dan Lecca.

An Angel Sanchez dress from Spring 2008.

Sadly, like apartment hunting, I ended up looking at dresses way beyond my budget but what I found was that a lot of dress shops seem to think you should plop down several months’ rent after seeing oh, four dresses! I tried on exactly five dresses, and though they were unbelievably stunning, I didn't think any of them were just perfect for me. (You can see the trail of dresses I tried on above and below). But when my time slot was up they still looked at me like “well, which one will it be?” I felt like the cheapest girl on earth for not wanting to buy something just because I was there.

Two by Monique Lhuillier, Spring 2008 and Fall 2007 collections. Image on right by FIRSTVIEW.COM.

Determined to try again I went to two more locations, one a pretty high-end shop with designer names, and one a smaller store specializing in vintage dresses. The first shop gave me an attendant who did nothing but tell me about how her boss keeps the thermostat too low (she actually dragged my mother and I into her boss's office and said “they think it’s cold, see, tell my boss it’s too cold in here!”) Awkward. She then proceeded to tell us how she’d worked in bridal sales for 15 years. Then 10 minutes later that number moved to 20 years. By the time we’d left she’d been a bridal expert for 30 years. I felt like I’d been stuck in that tiny room with her for 30 years so I was ready to take a break from shopping. The second store subtlety suggested that I was too short for most of the dress styles there so I decided to call it a day and go home empty handed.

So, to recap: that’s Dresses 3, Grace 0.


What I wish someone had told me is that it’s possible that you may not find THE dress. I never imagined that there wouldn’t be a dress that took my breath away just waiting for me. I searched high and low but in the end, I had to accept the fact that my perfect dress was probably too many different things in one dress and that I needed to just find something that worked and get it over with.

So with that attitude I picked up a Grecian-inspired dress at a small shop in Virginia Beach and decided to call it a day.

Only about 2 months later I woke up in a panic and thought “That’s not my dress!” I kept looking at the grainy digital pictures of me in the dress and said “You know, maybe I should have listened to those bridal consultants about short people wearing shapeless dresses”.

So I sucked it up and decided that maybe I should go back out and find something with more structure. Because the last thing I wanted to wear was something that made me look shapeless, short and let’s face it, sort of pregnant thanks to an intense empire waist. And no one wants to be asked “How far along are you?” at their own wedding (unless they’re actually expecting).

After a few more searches I settled on a shop I saw mentioned on my friend Vane’s wedding blog, Brooklyn Bride. After trying on about 12 dresses with no complaints from the salesperson I knew I’d found my shop. They didn’t care that I was quick to dismiss dresses without trying them on, and they didn’t care that I wanted to try on dresses that were wrong for me. They were nice enough to let me see why certain things didn’t work and were thoughtful enough to suggest fabric changes and slight alterations that would work best for my shape. So I bit the bullet, silenced my inner voice (which was screaming, “Are you really that girl who buys two dresses?”) and bought the dress that made me feel pretty—and the perfect combination of traditional and modern.

Because I’m not made of money I’m going to resell my first dress online. But for now I’m endlessly grateful to have a lovely dress and more importantly, a wonderful fiancé who put up with all of my complaining about dresses for over six months. The rest of the wedding is going to be a breeze after this.

Things I learned:

1. Wedding dress shopping should be 50% your opinion and 50% body type appropriateness. I wish I'd listened more to the consultants when I started out. No one likes to be told they're short and short-waisted, but if you get constructive feedback about good shapes for your body give it at least a passing consideration. Hopefully it will keep you from being a two-dress nightmare like me.

2. Before you buy, step back and consider what the money you're spending on the dress could be used for in other areas of the wedding. I quite literally lost my mind towards the end of shopping and was considering dresses at least 4 times over my budget. For a brief second I fell into the "but it makes me feel good and that's priceless!" mentality. Sometimes priceless really adds up when you realize it could mean helping a few friends fly down to your wedding, buying something nice for your bridesmaids, or investing in a great band for the cocktail hour. I'm glad I decided to cool my jets and go back to my original price range. Now we can all have fun and not just sit around and enjoy my fancy-pants dress.

3. No matter what anyone tells you—it's not wrong to keep trying on dresses until you find one that you feel comfortable spending money on. My dress experience would have been so much better if I'd ignored all the looks I got when I wasn't "ready to commit" to a dress. It's your money and your dress—it's not a sin to want to see what's out there before you plunk down a large sum.

4. If you can, take a picture. A lot of places don't allow cameras but if they do, it can be a valuable tool to decide what looks good on you. Those photos of me in the first dress were a good eye-opener that the version of me in 5-inch heels standing on a 2-foot pedestal in front of a skinny mirror aren't exactly true to life.

Comments

[Darling Dexter]

Thanks for this post Grace--I felt the same way earlier this year during my dress hunt. I fell in love with a dress that was no longer made so my mom ended up making me my own version, for a fraction of the cost!
The bridal salons were overwhelming -- I would try on dresses that I felt made the salespeople happy...crazy, huh?! It was not for me!
I'm so glad I went the route that I did! and I'm sure your dress is just perfect for you :)

[Maggie @ Eat, Drink, Marry]

Thank you for this piece. I'm completely in the same camp of not having enjoyed my dress-shopping experience. I'm happy with what I chose in the end, but the process of dealing with the salespeople was, for me, not fun at all. I live in a very skinny-girl town (Dallas), and had multiple salespeople tell me that as a size 8 (hello! size 8!) they had nothing that would work on my "broad" and "athletic" figure. Even at the eleventh hour, getting measured to order MY dress, the seamstress commented on my curviness and "very wide" hips. I can only imagine how a true plus-size girl would feel shopping there, and it outrages me that an entire industry, or maybe it's just an entire city, is okay with making women doubt themselves when they should instead be celebrating who they are. Although I'm excited to wear my dress at our wedding - I really do love the one I ordered - it's unfortunate that the memory associated with choosing it is more of relief than anything else.

Invitation design, however? Just as magical and fun as everyone told me the dress-shopping would be. :-)

[Amanda S.]

great post! i, too, am a two dress girl. i found what i thought was the 'perfect dress' online and ordered it right away without actually trying on different styles. big mistake. when it came in, i was disappointed with the way it looked on me and finally decided to try some others on. though i am still not fully convinced that it was in fact the perfect dress (i wish i had started my search sooner), i ended up with an absolutely gorgeous dress that complimented my figure and made me feel beautiful on our wedding day.

[RB]

I had a really similar experience and this story made me feel better - I am so glad you found what you wanted! For those of you who haven't bought a dress yet DO NOT GIVE IN TO THE PRESSURE of the sales people - buy only what you truly 100% love.

[hmm]

Great. But what is the name of the shop you ended up getting your dress at?

[Gretchen]

Am I daft or is there not a picture of THE dress? I'm dying to see it!

[Caitlin]

I hear you! I have been engaged for 4 months and I haven't even started-I am like you, more into the venue and all the other details. I too am a short girl and the thought of putting on a huge dress with layers and layers of fabric is not appealing. Great post.

[Grace]

it's so good to hear i'm not the only one that felt this way. ;)

because our wedding will be in the magazine i'm not supposed to share which dress i ended up getting- sorry!

grace

[j]

Does Gretchen seriously think Grace is going to post her dress here before her wedding????

[Dana]

I can completey relate. I bought my dress first and then planned the wedding, then suddenly thought that the dress wasn't right...I think it's important to have an idea of the wedding 'theme', then shop. Don't be ruled by the dress. Great post! :o)

[Judith]

I hear you! My shopping experience (which I did mostly alone) left me feeling so out of place and crazy! I did not want a poufy princess dress, nor did I want to pay ridiculous amounts for a one time use...so I drew a few pictures until I came up with something that felt like me. It ended up long and flowy, with long sleeves (who wears a strapless ANYTHING in October in Canada, anyways?!?) and a natural waistline. A bit vintage looking, and totally me! SO I sewed part of it myself, and hired someone to sew part of it for me. The best part is that I have memories of one of the most special days of my life feeling like me, and lot like a model in a magazine.
My advice to anyone shopping is to be yourself, and forget about the airbrushed, posed models!

[Angela]

When I got married I gathered up the moms and sisters and friends for a fun filled day of dress shopping and was absolutely miserable! I hated being bombarded with everyones opinions... My mom wanted me to be a fairy princess and "be open to trying everything on"
Eventually I drove an hour away to small- Mayberry-esk town and tried on one dress all by myself, bought it and took it home- no altering needed! It was total fate- It had the vintage flair I wanted and was comfortable, not heavy and made me feel fabulous!
I'm glad you found your dress too!

[Laura]

I'm currently in the middle of the same experience (I'm willing to bet the first salon you mentioned is the first one I went to, too--our experiences sound identical). Thank you for giving me and others out there hope!

[Melissa]

I also had a similar miserable experience searching for "THE DRESS". There is so much pressure, and it gets very easy to lose touch with your instincts and budget while standing vulnerable in your underwear in front of total strangers. For any NYC based brides, I highly recommend Gabriella NY on 14th/9th ave. By far the most pleasant experience I had in my search.

[jackie]

I completely agree. The only thing I would add is to consider finding a dress or dress style/fabric/etc you like and then hunting through preownedweddingdresses.com or craigslist. I got my dress off of craigslist (retail $2400, craigslist $800) and intend to sell it again after the wedding.

[Alice]

Where did you find your dress?!? I have had such a frustrating dress search - like you I nearly bought something well over my budget. I'm dress-hunting in NYC. I know that Vane bought her dress at Junko Yoshioka (I read her blog), but those dresses are a bit out of my price range - is that where you ended up?

[Alice]

Where did you find your dress?!? I have had such a frustrating dress search - like you I nearly bought something well over my budget. I'm dress-hunting in NYC. I know that Vane bought her dress at Junko Yoshioka (I read her blog), but those dresses are a bit out of my price range - is that where you ended up?

[Alice]

Argh, wedding shopping in NYC was a very unpleasant experience for me as well. I was a young bride going into an appointment at a well-known bridal salon without the reassuring sight of having my mother (and her wallet) present with me. The whole experience was awkward. There was a lot of talk from the sales woman that sounded glossy and rehearsed and overall, I just did not click with those people. I ended up finding a gorgeous gown eventually but the whole process was oddly not fun for someone like me who loves fashion and shopping. I agree, do not let yourself be pushed around by sales people! Take their advice if you feel they're honest, but trust your instincts. I ended up buying the first dress I tried on (from somewhere else).

[Jennifer]

Grace I love you for writing this! I've been in seven weddings and I'm dreading the day I plan my own, simply because of the ridiculous women I've dealt with in bridal shops. I'm pretty even-tempered, but hearing them say repeatedly, "Oh my gah girl- you only got ten months to plan yo weddin and find a dress? You crazy!" It just makes me want to pinch their little dress selling heads off. I think finding a great boutique should be a huge priority for all brides- it makes all the difference in the world! Thanks for sharing- so glad you found your dress!

[Loora]

It's a shame your experience was such a bad one...

My dress hunt turned into some kind of a huge family fest. I had spent 6 months looking at magazines, and I kinda know what looks good on me. So I went to the store selling the dress I wanted, in the price range I could afford (didn't lose time in hip, parisian designers shops), poped a ripped magazine page, and told them that was what I wanted. Ten minutes after, I knew that it was my dress: simple, elegant, no stupid lace, puffy train, or fake diamond cristal, and a line that would become me no matter when I'll look at wedding photos. I could only see myself all happy and smiling, and forgot about the dress !

So, for the rest of the appointments, I just had THE best time with my fiance, my sister, my mom and my mother in law (family fun !). We'd try one "serious" dress, just to be sure of my choice, and went on with the most improbable ones. I even tried on a Marie-Antoinette dress that weighted a ton and had a 5 meters train. I coulndn't turn around in the shop.

Neither of us cared about the stern looks we got in the shops. It's recommended to bring along only one person with you, but I actually regret not having invited my best friend. The moment we all agreed it was my dress I was trying on was really moving, and then we just had a good time together !

[lilly]

Is the wedding featured in the 2009 winter issue?
Great post, I'm feeling the pressure, trying to lose some weight before I go out there and start shopping in a few months.
I feel I will be judged because I'm a size 10!

[Sophie]

The first part of this post totally mirrors my experience. I hated dress shopping at a high-end bridal boutique - they were subtly rude and very much wanted me to fit round them. The genteel horror displayed when I said my wedding was only six months away... All the samples were too long for me and too skinny, and the humiliation of being trussed up in these meringues I could barely walk in and having to parade in front of the mirror was everything I didn't want in preparing for my wedding.

I ended up buying a little suit off the rail at Alexander McQueen, my favourite designer, for about 1/3 of the money a bridal gown would have been, and getting a vintage 1940's hat and some cool shoes. I looked like myself rather than a stereotypical bride. This is one of my favourite pictures of me on the day:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/11436776@N03/2706894791/in/set-72157606401209710/

Lovely to hear your experiences Grace - I'm enjoying reliving the wedding planning process with one of my favourite design bloggers without having to actually go through the stress myself...

[Jillian Walulik]

I found this cute little site while searching for vintage inspired accessories. They have really gorgeous (and inexpensive) accessories like ribbon flower belts with vintage crystal centers that would look beautiful tied around a bridesmaid dress. They also have rhinestone headbands for little flower girls and pretty flower barrettes with vintage crystal centers.

Anyhow, a site worth checking out if you're looking for a little something to add to a dress or for your hair!

[Richelle]

As a girl who tried on 40 wedding dresses (yes, you read that correctly) before finally buying one, I feel your pain.

Congrats on finding the Dress - it will be lovely, I'm absolutely certain.

[eileprose]

I am a size 16 and have been to 5 shops and counting. One specialized in "plus size brides" but had nothing over a 12! Come on people! and everyone is rude, and condemning. I have lost 15 pounds already and they still make me feel like I shouldn't be looking for a dress until I am a size 10.

Did anyone else experiance the way too small dressing rooms and no one wanting to help you try the dress on? If you want my to squeeze my size 16 body into a 10 dress, you are going to have to help me a little bit. and if I am going to drop a ton of money on the dress the least you could do is carry them to the dressing room for me.

I love getting married and I love planning but finding my dress may just kill me.

Congrats to all who find the one. I hope to join your ranks asap. :)