And To My Left...

Posted by Grace Bonney of Design*Sponge

As our wedding draws closer and closer (Hooray!) I’m most excited to start working on small details like table decorations, favors, and outdoor decorations, not only because they’re fun and relatively low pressure (nothing will seem stressful compared to the dress battle) but because I’ll get to work on them with my bridal party.

The formation of my bridal party has been one of the most interesting learning experiences I’ve had during the process planning our wedding, so I thought I’d share the story of its creation over the past six months. Like everything else, it’s been a lesson about learning to listen to myself, and not necessarily what books and traditions say.

As I explained before, I wasn’t one of those girls who dreamed about their wedding day when they were 7 years old. I always figured I’d wing it when the big day came. And true to form, when it came to thinking of my bridal party I initially decided to just skip it in favor of just standing next to Aaron.

But then people started to weigh in and the next thing I knew I was being asked to consider people I hadn’t seen in years. What’s a girl to do? Have a bridal party of 25 and please everyone who has an opinion? Skip the party all together and go toe to toe with just the groom? For me, I decided that I should pick the one person that had been my closest, longest and most trusted friend over the past 10 years—my good friend Bryan.

This being 2009, I figured the decision to have a “man” of honor would be a relatively benign one but of course, like most other things in the wedding, people decided that they needed to give me their two cents. I heard a lot of “What, is he going to wear, a dress?” It took most of my energy not to smack those people, so it was a good thing that my immediate family and friends were supportive and excited that I was choosing someone I felt was the best person to be there.

So in addition to Bryan and my fiance’s sister, I thought I was totally tapped out at two people. It sounded like a nice even number and like the perfect number of people to have to my left.

But then as the days went by I realized that I had two good friends that I couldn’t possibly leave out—one was someone I talked to regularly, and the other was someone I talked to occasionally but felt just as close to. So I invited everyone to join the bridal party, sent an email and called it a day, laughing at myself for having such a large bridal party. Four people? I thought I was totally approaching bridezilla territory.

Then, a month or so later I started really regretting not inviting a new friend I’d only known for a year or so. I had stupidly let people’s opinions about “only inviting friends I’d known for most of my life to be a part of the bridal party” affect me and told myself and that if I asked this new friend she might think I was a weirdo because we hadn’t known each other that long. But I realized that when I thought of the big day I was thinking of her as part of the party to my left—how could she not be? I thought I would be officially nutty for having five people next to me (especially after I told everyone I knew that I didn’t even want a bridal party) but then one day while looking at ideas for tabletop decorations I realized she was the person I most want to run a few ideas by. So I stopped, laughed at myself, and emailed her to have lunch and invite her to be a bridesmaid. Why had I let such a silly rule about who you should and shouldn’t invite get to me?

After I asked her to be part of the bridal party I felt a sigh of relief, like I’d finally figured out some equation that had been slightly off—that’s when I knew the party was complete. Rules, traditions, and opinion-givers didn’t matter any more—I’d decided to stick to what felt right for me and it felt great.

image courtesy of J. Crew

Now even though I feel like a huge princess for having five people next to me (I’ve now surpassed Aaron’s bridal party—ack!) I know that when I look to my left the friends who matter most to me will be there. New and old, long-distance and local standing next to each other. It’s the perfect group of people and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Comments

[Does the Dress Fit]

Who doesn't love JCrew right? They have so many cute bridesmaid dresses. Too bad they go out of stock so quickly.

[Henry]

Regardless of the number and the gender, I think it's important that the people who will stand beside you on your special day are just that - special. I applaud you for the choices you made and wish you best for your wedding.

[Stacy Guthrie, myweddingfilm]

I love the story. I read the whole thing, which is something I can't always say about all blogs! I personally love when I hear a bridal party was hand picked, but just tossed together. Where the individuals actually matter to the bride and groom. I've only seen a man of honor once or twice, but I thought it was great. The one time I remember clearly it was the bride's brother. At that wedding each member of the bridal party from the bride and grooms side walked down the aisle separately instead of having a partner. So congrats on picking your party and best of luck with the planning!

[lilly]

I had a very similar story, I didn't want a bridal party to begin with. Then one day I was talking to one of my close guy friends and as a joke told him he should be one of my bridesmaids, next thing I know he said he would do it and I called our other 3 close girlfriends and have it be a party.

Now I do a wedding newsletter update,once a month or so, where I email them potential horrific dresses that I see online for them to wear, we all comment, laugh (cry) and at the end of the day stay in touch because we all live in different cities.

BTW, They are all dressing up from Jcrew, different colors and different models, I'll do the bridal party but refuse to have it be all identical.

[Krista]

I love your story of how you came to your decision. Thanks for sharing! I think it's important that you seriously considered who you wanted to stand up with you - and asked them to stand up for you at your wedding (in spite of the uneven numbers!).

[kelly]

"but then one day while looking at ideas for tabletop decorations I realized she was the person I most want to run a few ideas by."

Why does a person have to be in your bridal party to help you with tabletop decoration decisions?

It's great that you went with your gut and included her in your party despite what other people thought, but I wonder why it's taboo to get wedding input from anyone who is not in your party.

I, myself, am only have a Best Woman (we don't like the phrase "Matron of Honor" -- blech) in my party. But all of my friends have been interested in helping out with wedding preparation. In fact, one of them recently thanked me for letting her help out but not "forcing" her to be a bridesmaid.

So I'm curious about your opinion and the opinion of those reading this blog: Is it wrong to have non-party members help out with wedding planning?

[amber of TheAmberShow]

Hmm. Why is HIS sister on YOUR side? If you're cool having a dude be your Man of Honor, why shouldn't she be with her brother, wearing, of course, a dress (she can even match the bridesmaids).

I love that you chose your honor attendant based on your relationship and not on gender. My 20-year old brother was a bridesdude, right in the middle of the dresses :)

[Grace]

Kelly- when I said that one of my bridesmaids was 'who I most wanted to run tabletop ideas by', I meant that I realized I wanted to include her in the process, not exclude anyone else. I'll talk to anyone who will listen about wedding decorations, wedding party or not. I've never heard of any taboo about discussing wedding plans with people not in the wedding.

As for including my fiance's sister in my bridal party, that choice was simple. She's my family now, too. End of story. If I had a male sibling I'm sure Aaron would have included him on his side of the equation. It's a tradition we thought would be special to honor- it's a nice way to include her in the big day and start off our new "sister"-hood on the right foot.

[Carrie S.]

I think it's great that you made the decision to go with your heart and extend your bridal party to include those you feel closest to in this moment. Sometimes, as much as we love our oldest and dearest, the people we've just met know us in a totally different way and it's great to have the "new" version of yourself represented, too.

[Katie]

I'm curious about how you'll choose clothes for a mixed-gender bridal party. I'm sure there are some creative ways to coordinate the women's dresses with Bryan's suit/tux. Let us know what you do!!

[Courtney]

ooh! not related to the bridal party issues (which i totally empathize with) but i was married in october and we did the vest with no jacket thing for the guys too. being in the south (georgia) where were err on the side of crazy formal, my mom was a bit nervous - but it looked amazing. good choice!

feel free to email if you want to see pictures to see how the whole look turned out.

[Grace]

Katie

I actually just asked the girls (and Bryan) to wear shades of the same color- and to coordinate with each other via email so no one has a wildly clashing shade or something. I think everyone feels comfortable in different styles so I want my bridal party to feel happy and comfortable in what they're wearing.

As for Bry, as long as he's cool with wearing a boutonniere or tie that coordinates with our color palette, that's a-ok with me.

I really wanted to embrace that all of my friends (male and female) are really quite different so I want them all to look like themselves, not matching accessories to stand next to me. It always gives me the shivers to see 10 people standing next to a bride wearing the same hair do, the same shoes, the same jewelry, the same nails and the same dress in the same cut. That's just not my style. I always think people look best in what they feel best in (which is not always the same thing) so as long as my friends feel happy and comfortable (and fit into the general color palette of the day) I'm fine. I just want our wedding picture to reflect the happiness of the day, not necessarily a perfectly coordinated group of people.

I do plan on giving them a gift that coordinates so that if we do need to do some sort of picture that shows that we're a unified bridal party of something they have something to carry with them that's connected to the group at a whole. ;)

Grace

[Michelle]

Good for you for letting them all wear what they want! It is always so awful to see women with wildly different body types squished into the same dress. There is almost always someone who just looks and feels awful - I think it's the reason people are often terrified of being bridesmaids.

A friend's sister went even further - she picked her bouquet, and then asked her bridesmaids to all wear colors from it of their choice - all jewel tones matching her palette, but not even all the same color. I thought that was really clever.

and of course it's normal these days to have mixed gender attendants. I have seen many groomsladies in my day, and they always dress to match the groomsmen, not the bridesmaids.

[Imogen]

I almost ended up with a huge bridal party too..I have 2 sisters, 5 nieces (ranging in age from 15 to 3) and my fiance has a niece and a nephew. In the end the thought of all those people was just stressing me out so I decided to ditch them all and have no one! My 2 sisters will be ushers, along with 2 of my brother in laws-to-be. Also, I'll give my nieces all jobs to do like handing out cake and getting people to write in the guest book. I was expecting uproar when I broke the news but no one seems to be that bothered!