When the Groom Writes the Thank-You Notes

Posted by Talley Sue Hohlfeld, Etiquette Expert

Every article we've ever written (or that I've ever read) about thank-you notes for wedding gifts insists that this shouldn't be the bride's responsibility alone. "Have the groom write the thank-you notes to his family," they all suggest.

Wouldn't you know, I didn't follow that advice?

I assigned my husband the task of writing to my side of the guest list. And I wrote to his.

Here was my reasoning: My family already knows me; they didn't know him well yet at all. I wanted them to start to see him as a real person—Bill—and not just as "that guy Talley Sue married."

At the same time, I claimed the right to pen the notes to his side of the family. I'll admit it was a blatant attempt to get some good P.R. out of the process. I figured they were going to assume that the TY notes are the bride's responsibility (his parents and their peers are pretty traditional in their approach to gender roles). If I made him do it, I was afraid they'd decide I was falling down on the job.

But most of all, I wanted the opportunity to make a good impression on them—especially on the women of the family, who regulate things like thank-you notes, wedding and baby gifts, and dinner invitations, and whose sorority I was now entering. I think that worked, too. (At any rate, my MIL says I have a good reputation regarding thank-you notes, so it apparently paid off.)

I know I wrote more notes—his family is MUCH bigger. I let him help with some of the ones to his side of the family, but I hogged the "older, more conservative relatives" and let him write the notes to the young, hip ones that we knew more intimately.

And there were a few that I let him write because I thought it would matter a lot to them to get a note written by their own grandson or godson.

Will you and your fiancé both write the notes? Have you thought about how you'll divide it up?

Comments

[sK]

i would love if we both could, but my fiance has atrocious handwriting, which i'm beginning to think he doesn't try to fix to get out of these chores

[Lyndsay]

My husband and I both wrote on our thankyou notes for everyone - it wasn't something we were particularly looking forward to as the job seemed so huge! But we spread it out so we wrote a few a night and eventually it got done, and it was also a nice experience for us both as we were reminded of little parts of the the ceremony and reception, and how each guest seemed to enjoy the night when we came to their name on the list - it was like reliving it again!

Nothing tops a handwritten note that is personalized and genuine (rather than, Dear Guest, Thanks for the [gift], From Bride and Groom). Such a small courtesy that goes such a long way.

[paperlover]

I wrote my quickly after the wedding (so that I wouldn't forget) and my husband saw all the completed and stamped cards and said "Hey - I didn't get to thank anyone." I felt bad...I shouldn't have assumed he wouldn't want to do it. I wish now I would have included him.